


All my Love

by ForeverFullofLight



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Brace yourselves, Character Death Mentioned, Depression, Grief, M/M, Sam Knows, Sam Ships It, Set after 13x01, Supportive Sam, dean is in pain, good luck, i loved writing this, i must be crazy, pain is coming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 06:33:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13048467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForeverFullofLight/pseuds/ForeverFullofLight
Summary: "No no. Come on Dean, it's okay" he whispered to himself, his hands shaking when he pushed them against his mouth, forbidding the cry to come out. It hurt, goddammit it hurt but he couldn't let go. If he did, Dean was afraid nothing would save him again.





	All my Love

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. Enjoy.
> 
> P.S: all mistakes are mine, I actually just finished writing this.

The voice resonated in the cold, dark room.

"This is my voicemail. Make your voice... a mail."

Dean hung up. Breathed. And called again. As expected, it went directly to the voicemail. 

"This is my voicemail. Make your voice... a mail."

Exhaling slowly, he kept his eyes open, looking frantically at every corner of the room until the tears burning his eyes faded away. He swallowed, the lump in in throat making it hard to breath, but he ignored it. 

He hung up. And called again. He couldn't help it. 

He knew nobody would pick up, he knew it was useless and damn self torture but he couldn't help it. He just needed to hear that voice again, it didn't matter if it ripped him apart. 

The library was empty. Sam and Jack were somewhere in the bunker, Dean didn't care, didn't want them here anyway. Just him and his almost empty bottle of whiskey. And his phone, laying on the wooden table, repeating the same words over and over.

"This is my voicemail. Make your voice... a mail."

Damnit. Dean had promised himself not to break, not now, not ever. He'll drown himself in booze and hunts but he will not cry, pray or scream, no matter what. He had tried it all, and Cas didn't come back to him. Maybe he'll get used to this feeling, he thought. Like a sound that goes on for so long you're not even able to hear it after a time. Maybe the ache will just go away at some point. To be honest, Dean hoped so. 

His body went rigid, his muscles contracting as he block out a new wave of longing and despair. It reacted on its own to the sorrow he felt, transforming the emotions into physical pain. His limbs felt stiff and sore, completely exhausted. He desperately tried to hold back a shaky sob stuck as he listened once again to Castiel's deep, innocent and clueless voice he missed so much.

"No no. Come on Dean, it's okay" he whispered to himself, his hands shaking when he pushed them against his mouth, forbidding the cry to come out. It hurt, goddammit it hurt but he couldn't let go. If he did, Dean was afraid nothing would save him again. 

His body slowly started to relax under the effects of alcohol as he poured another swig of whiskey down his throat. He was fine. He was fine. He was- 

Fucking hell it hurt.

Loss was always painful but this... this felt like dying and dying all over again, as every beat of his heart against his chest reminded him that Castiel's own heart had forever stopped. This felt more painful because it was Cas. His best friend, his family, the fucking love of his life even if he hadn't had the guts to admit it. It was too late now. Stupid, stupid Dean. If he had stopped focusing on his fears of rejection, if he had accepted sooner his feelings, then maybe... maybe they could've worked it out. Maybe they could've been happy, together. Too late now, fucking too late. 

Dean heard footsteps. Sam? Jack? The hunter didn't have the strength to look up and the look of pity of their faces. Yes, he was miserable, and it was all his fault. It doesn't mean he wanted his brother and that demi angel freak to see him this way. 

The sounds stopped when they reached Dean. He heard the chairs being dragged against the wooden floor and felt the bottle taken out of his hands. When he looked up, he met Sam's tired gaze and at his surprise, his brother didn't sermon him but filled three glasses before handing them over. One for himself and Dean that were drank straight away and another for Jack, that seemed to look at the liquid between his hands like some unknown thing, which was probably the case. Dean's grip on his glass tighten at the sight of it. How dared this thing sit on the same chair than he used to sat on. How dared it look so innocent when it had killed Cas.

"Dean..."

His brother's voice pulled him out of his thoughts. 

"What?" He snapped at him, his deadly gaze never leaving the creature facing him. 

"Um... It's probably not the right time but... what do we do about Jac-"

"Yeah probably not Sammy, I'm kinda busy trying to forget this shit ass day so if you could leave me in peace, I'd be freaking thrilled."

His harsh, raw voice even startled himself. It was the first time he spoke in hours, since they had gotten back to the bunker. He had refused to talk since then. He had nothing to say, nothing mattered anymore. What was the point anyway? For years they kept trying to save the world and every time it got worse and worse, and they had lost so many people on the way. Maybe it wasn't worth it after all. 

Sam swallowed back the lump in his throat. Seeing his brother like this... it was killing him. Dean didn't deserve this, he was a good man, no matter what the man himself believed, he didn't deserve how much crap had been put on his shoulders all these years. And now he had lost Cas. Sam didn't know if his brother was ever gonna come back from this.

He had seen it all. From the very beginning, to the very end. The stares, the lingering touches, the profound bond that united these two. He has stood by, watching them through their betrayals, reunions, arguments, special moments. It killed him to see how broken Dean was, now that Cas was gone.

"Dean", said Jack, looking with curiosity at the scene before him.

He knew the eldest Winchester did not like him, if the look of pure hatred on his face when he turned sharply towards him was an indication. What he didn't know was... why? He needed to find out.

"Why do you hate me so much?"

What a question. Because you killed him you son of a bitch, you killed him, you killed mom, you took everything from me. Now they're all gone. Because of you.

"Why did I do, Dean?"

You killed him. You killed him. And you killed me at the same time.

Jack ignored the sigh of warning from Sam, and kept pushing, staring right into the hunter's eyes with determination.

"Tell me. Why?"

The whimper that escaped him, Dean could not control it. His breathing became erratic as he tried helplessly to hold it back. The pain, the tears, all the grief and despair that he had tried to push down began crashing within him at full force. God, Cas was dead. 

Dean broke down, letting out screams and moans of pain between his clenched jaw and teeth. This wasn't supposed to happen, he told himself he would be fine, but it became too hard to pretend. Both of his hands were gripping the table, clutching so tightly his knuckles were white under the pressure. He couldn't breath anymore, no matter Sam's supposingly smoothing hands was held him in his arms.

How could anything hurt that bad, Dean didn't know. 

"I-I can't", he said, chocking at air tried to work its way back to his lungs. "It's-s too much".

No matter how hard he tried, Sam couldn't help him. Why could he say? That everything would be fine? That he would be okay? We both knew damn well it wasn't true.

"I'm so sorry Dean, I wish I could do something. I'm so sorry" he replied, his voice breaking at the end. 

"Come on, come on...", he heard his brother whisper. He knew him well enough to know what was going on through his head right now.

"Dean, no. Don't do this, don't hold back and try to push it away, it's gonna kill you."

"And?"

Grabbing Dean's shoulders, he pulled back to meet his brother shut eyes. He shook him, cradled his face in his hands, did everything not to lose the grip on the elder Winchester.

"Don't you dare speak like this, don't you dare Dean. I can't loose you too. Please, just let go, you gotta let it go"

Dean was a mess. In his head, Cas being stabbed played over and over again, the memories they shared flashed before his eyelids, all the opportunities they have had and they had done nothing, so much time wasted when they could've being happy. 

He had wanted this so bad, a life with Castiel, kisses and binge-watching Netflix, days spent cooking and hunting and making love in their own bed, I love you's whispered in quiet mornings and passionate nights. He had wanted everything -everything- with him.

"He can't be gone Sam, he can't be"

The tears had fallen, streaming down his face in an endless flood he couldn't stop.

"I should've told him. He'll never know now, he'll never-"

"He knew Dean. I'm certain he knew."

He knew that this will be his biggest regret, not telling Castiel how much he had loved him, no matter what happened. 

"I'm sorry."

The quiet, vulnerable voice echoed in the library. Jack. He was still here, looking at the two broken brothers.

"Castiel... I would do anything to bring him back, if I figure out how. I promise you that, Dean"

The hunter shook his head. He thought he would've felt better after that. He was wrong. The pain was still here. Now crouched, constantly, at the back of his mind, quietly eating him alive. 

"I'll never forgive you for that. Whatever the good things you might do, you are nothing to me. You killed him, Jack", and once the words were out, they kept coming. "Cas is dead because of you. I had to burn his body, I had to watch him slowly burn before my eyes and it's all your fucking fault."

 

When Dean went back to his room that night, the longing had never felt so great as he walked through his empty, cold bedroom. He laid on his bed, and after a minute of silent contemplation at the bare ceiling, he reached out to his pocket, and pulled out the mixtape. That bloody mixtape...

When "All my Love" resonated through the headphones, Dean closed his eyes. And let himself dream, for the things he wish he'd done, the things he had wanted, and he prayed endlessly for his angel to come back, and save him again.

Cas. Cas. Cas...

 

"For many hours and days that pass ever soon the tides have caused the flame to dim. At last the arm is straight, the hand to the loom. Is this to end or just begin? All of my love, all of my love. All of my love to you." -All my love, Led Zeppelin


End file.
